-
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
I've got you under a vest!
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?
Russell.
-
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob
-
What's the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle.
-
What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?
Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)
-
What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?
Claude
-
What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine!
-
What type of music do mummies listen to?
WRAP MUSIC!
-
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
Dam.
-
What kind of horses go out after dusk?
Nightmares!
-
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!
-
What did the ghost say to the bee?
BOO-BEE
-
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
BANANANAAAAAA!
-
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
-
Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
-
Why didn't the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe!
-
Why is the ocean blue?
Because all the little fish go blu, blu blu.
-
Why did Simba's father die?
Because he couldn't Mufasa!
-
How does Hitler tie his shoes?
with little Nazis!
-
What is the definition of a good farmer?
A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!
-
What did one shark say to the other while eating a clownfish?
This tastes funny.
-
What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?
DINO-MITE!
-
What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
WATAAAAARR!
-
Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed!
-
How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
ECLIPSE IT!
-
What do calendars eat?
DATES!
-
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
-
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
-
There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says
‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’
-
What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?
You look a little pail!
-
What did the Island Gobbling Sea Monster say?
These islands aren’t Philippine me up. I need Samoa Tahiti!
-
What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?
A bah-humbug.
-
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
-
What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?
Shoe!
-
What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?
Thanks for the mammaries!
-
Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy!
-
What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?
I can clearly see you're nuts!
-
A drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
-
What's it called when you lend money to a bison?
A BUFFA-LOAN!
-
Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
He had no body to go with him!
-
What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
OH SNAP
-
what do you do with epileptic lettuce?
You make a seizure salad!
-
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A PORK CHOP
-
How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue!
-
Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?
He wanted a meatier shower!
-
Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many Cheetahs!
-
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
-
Did you hear about the Hyena who drank a pint of gravy?
He was a laughing stock!
-
A baby seal walks into a club...
-
what did one hat say to another?
You stay here, I'll go on a head!
-
What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!
-
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies!
-
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A FRISBEE!
-
Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!
-
What do you do when you see a spaceman?
PARK YOUR CAR, MAN
-
How does a lion like his meat?
ROAR
-
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
PUMPKIN PI
-
Why did the police officer smell?
Because he was on duty.
-
What does a ghost wear when it's raining outside?
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!
-
What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs?
They have to sit in their own pew.
-
What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fssshh
-
Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!
-
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look, I'm changing.
-
A man didn't like his haircut, but it started to grow on him.
-
Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
-
What do you call a deer with no eye?
NO IDEAR!
-
Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"
"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.
To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
-
What do you call a pony's cough?
A LITTLE HOARSE!
-
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!
-
What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
-
What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts
-
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
THE OUTSIDE!
-
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.
-
A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother.
-
What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?
HIP-POP!
-
A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.
-
Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?
He wanted some arr and arr.
-
Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.
-
Why do milking stools only have three legs?
'Cause the cow's got the udder!
-
Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?
It's making HEADLINES!
-
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer!
-
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK
-
What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?
Reefer!
-
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
IT WAS IN TENTS
-
What washes up on tiny beaches?
MICROWAVES!
-
What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door?
It won't be long now
-
What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?
BYE-SON!
-
What kind of flower is on your face?
Tulips!
-
what do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!
-
What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
-
Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?
His mummy.
-
A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
-
What game would you play with a wombat?
Wom.
-
What do sharks say when something radical happens?
JAWESOME
-
Why don't blind people go skydiving?
Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!
-
Why are all the frogs around here dead?
'Cause they keep croaking!
-
What was T-Rex's favorite number?
Ate!
-
What do you call a nosy pepper?
JALAPENO BUSINESS!
-
Where does George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies
-
What do you do with a sick boat?
TAKE IT TO THE DOC!
-
What kind of guns do bees use?
BeeBee guns
-
What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
You're too young to smoke!
-
Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."
-
What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A PRIVATE TUTOR!
-
What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his butt.
-
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
-
Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long!
-
What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto
-
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?
Its butt
-
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
-
How does an octopus go to war?
WELL-ARMED
-
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
THUNDERPANTS
-
All artwork and content on this site is Copyright © 2020 Matthew Inman. Please don't steal.
![How much do cats actually kill? [Infographic]](https://s3.amazonaws.com/theoatmeal-img/thumbnails/cats_actually_kill.png)
