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What's the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle.
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Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."
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What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his butt.
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What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
Dam.
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What's it called when you lend money to a bison?
A BUFFA-LOAN!
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What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!
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How does Hitler tie his shoes?
with little Nazis!
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Why do milking stools only have three legs?
'Cause the cow's got the udder!
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What do sharks say when something radical happens?
JAWESOME
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Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?
It's making HEADLINES!
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?
Claude
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!
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What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
OH SNAP
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
IT WAS IN TENTS
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Why did Simba's father die?
Because he couldn't Mufasa!
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What did the ghost say to the bee?
BOO-BEE
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Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
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Why didn't the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe!
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Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
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what do you do with epileptic lettuce?
You make a seizure salad!
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what do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A PORK CHOP
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What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?
You look a little pail!
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Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
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What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
BANANANAAAAAA!
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
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Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
THE OUTSIDE!
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What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?
A bah-humbug.
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What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
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What game would you play with a wombat?
Wom.
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob
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What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?
Shoe!
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Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy!
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Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed!
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What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door?
It won't be long now
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What do you do with a sick boat?
TAKE IT TO THE DOC!
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What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?
Thanks for the mammaries!
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Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
He had no body to go with him!
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How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
ECLIPSE IT!
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?
Russell.
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Why is the ocean blue?
Because all the little fish go blu, blu blu.
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Did you hear about the Hyena who drank a pint of gravy?
He was a laughing stock!
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.
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What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?
DINO-MITE!
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Why are all the frogs around here dead?
'Cause they keep croaking!
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
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What do you do when you see a spaceman?
PARK YOUR CAR, MAN
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What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
You're too young to smoke!
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What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
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What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
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How does an octopus go to war?
WELL-ARMED
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What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies!
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A man didn't like his haircut, but it started to grow on him.
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What did the Island Gobbling Sea Monster say?
These islands aren’t Philippine me up. I need Samoa Tahiti!
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What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK
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A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.
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What kind of flower is on your face?
Tulips!
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What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts
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What washes up on tiny beaches?
MICROWAVES!
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto
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what did one hat say to another?
You stay here, I'll go on a head!
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What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?
Its butt
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?
THUNDERPANTS
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Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"
"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.
To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
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What did one shark say to the other while eating a clownfish?
This tastes funny.
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What does a ghost wear when it's raining outside?
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!
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What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fssshh
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Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long!
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Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!
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Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?
He wanted some arr and arr.
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Where does George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies
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What do you call a deer with no eye?
NO IDEAR!
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
PUMPKIN PI
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What was T-Rex's favorite number?
Ate!
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Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!
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What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?
Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)
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What do you call a nosy pepper?
JALAPENO BUSINESS!
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Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
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What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?
I can clearly see you're nuts!
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Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.
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A baby seal walks into a club...
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Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?
He wanted a meatier shower!
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How does a lion like his meat?
ROAR
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Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?
His mummy.
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What do you call a pony's cough?
A LITTLE HOARSE!
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What kind of horses go out after dusk?
Nightmares!
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Why did the police officer smell?
Because he was on duty.
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How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
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Why don't blind people go skydiving?
Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!
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What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A FRISBEE!
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What do calendars eat?
DATES!
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Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many Cheetahs!
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What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A PRIVATE TUTOR!
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What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?
HIP-POP!
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There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says
‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’
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A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother.
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What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look, I'm changing.
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What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
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What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?
Reefer!
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Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!
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What kind of guns do bees use?
BeeBee guns
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What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine!
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A drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
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How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue!
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How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer!
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What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?
BYE-SON!
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What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
WATAAAAARR!
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
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What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs?
They have to sit in their own pew.
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What is the definition of a good farmer?
A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!
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What did the policeman say to his tummy?
I've got you under a vest!
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What type of music do mummies listen to?
WRAP MUSIC!
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All artwork and content on this site is Copyright © 2020 Matthew Inman. Please don't steal.
