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Why 3D movies need to die

Why I'm not a particularly big fan of 3D movies

Why 3D movies need to die

Posted Dec 5th 2011, 19:44

Ever since Aliens Avatar squatted its bloated, blue, Na'vi ass on American cinema, every film that comes out with some semblance of special effects has "3D" pasted on top of it.

The Crying Game 3D

Most people know the drill by now: you go to a 3D movie, pay a little extra, chuckle at how stupid everyone looks wearing those glasses, and the film starts. For the first two minutes, it's impressive. Stuff pops out of the screen and it's pretty neat. For the remaining 118 minutes, however, you either forget you're watching a 3D movie or simply stop giving a shit.

And it only really works once:

The 3 Phases of seeing a 3d movieThe 3 Phases of seeing a 3d movie

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"But it makes the characters and environments more believable!"

Was Yoda in the original Star Wars not a believable character? Or what about Gollum in Lord of the Rings? Or how about the Skeksis in The Dark Crystal?

Sex with the MonkeyDolphin

"But we want more money! -Movie Theaters"

If theaters want more money they should just charge more for popcorn and soda.
We'll eat that tasty shit no matter how much the prices soar; it's like crude oil for our faces.

Thunder Mist Energy Cola at the movies

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"It's the future of cinema"

You remember those Magic Eye books from the 1990s? The ones where you'd look at them, relax your eyes, and a 3D picture would pop out? Saying that 3D movies are the future of cinema is like saying that Magic Eye books were the future of literature.

Magic Eye: The FUTURE of literature!

It's like having a fog machine installed in the theater that activates every time something scary happens, or spraying clouds of glitter at the audience every time a nipple is visible on the screen.

You know when I'd go see another 3D movie? When it's one that features two solid hours of watching the Na'vi get barbecued by flamethrowers while I eat my $19.99 bucket of popcorn which is also coincidentally flavored like barbecued Na'vi. Unless that happens you can count me the fuck out. I'll go watch Up without being subjected to the filmmaker's equivalent of a Photoshop lens flare.

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