Dumb Jokes That Are Funny
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What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?
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Nothing, it just let out a little whine!
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What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?
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Reefer!
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
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Where does George Washington keep his armies?
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In his sleevies
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what do you do with epileptic lettuce?
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You make a seizure salad!
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Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."
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What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
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WATAAAAARR!
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Why do milking stools only have three legs?
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'Cause the cow's got the udder!
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What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
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BANANANAAAAAA!
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Why didn't the melons get married?
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Because they cantaloupe!
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Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
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Because of his coffin.
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What kind of guns do bees use?
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BeeBee guns
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Why did the police officer smell?
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Because he was on duty.
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What did the policeman say to his tummy?
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I've got you under a vest!
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
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Roberto
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What is the definition of a good farmer?
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A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!
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What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
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HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK
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How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
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ECLIPSE IT!
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What did one shark say to the other while eating a clownfish?
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This tastes funny.
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Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
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Fo' drizzle.
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Why did Simba's father die?
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Because he couldn't Mufasa!
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What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?
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Shoe!
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What is invisible and smells like carrots?
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Rabbit farts
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What type of music do mummies listen to?
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WRAP MUSIC!
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A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.
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What was T-Rex's favorite number?
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Ate!
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What do cats eat for breakfast?
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Mice Krispies!
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What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
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Dam.
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What do calendars eat?
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DATES!
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What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?
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Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
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Why did the cookie cry?
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Because his mother was a wafer so long!
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How much does a pirate pay for corn?
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A buccaneer!
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What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
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A PRIVATE TUTOR!
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A drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
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What do you call a deer with no eye?
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NO IDEAR!
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What does a vegan zombie eat?
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Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!
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A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother.
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
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Make me one with everything!
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
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Because he felt crummy.
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What's it called when you lend money to a bison?
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A BUFFA-LOAN!
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Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?
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He wanted a meatier shower!
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What kind of horses go out after dusk?
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Nightmares!
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What do you call a nosy pepper?
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JALAPENO BUSINESS!
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Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
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He had no body to go with him!
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What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door?
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It won't be long now
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Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
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Both crews were marooned.
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Why don't blind people go skydiving?
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Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!
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What do you do when you see a spaceman?
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PARK YOUR CAR, MAN
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What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
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You're too young to smoke!
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
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Bob
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What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?
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Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)
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What do sharks say when something radical happens?
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JAWESOME
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What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
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OH SNAP
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What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
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Polaroids
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What do you call a pony's cough?
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A LITTLE HOARSE!
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
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PUMPKIN PI
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?
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Russell.
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Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?
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His mummy.
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A man didn't like his haircut, but it started to grow on him.
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What does a ghost wear when it's raining outside?
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Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!
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What did 0 say to 8?
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Nice belt!
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What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?
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A bah-humbug.
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What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?
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Its butt
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What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?
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DINO-MITE!
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what did one hat say to another?
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You stay here, I'll go on a head!
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There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says
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What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?
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HIP-POP!
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What do you do with a sick boat?
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TAKE IT TO THE DOC!
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What do you call a fish with no eye?
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Fssshh
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What kind of flower is on your face?
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Tulips!
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What washes up on tiny beaches?
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MICROWAVES!
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Why is the ocean blue?
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Because all the little fish go blu, blu blu.
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How do you fix a broken tuba?
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With a tuba glue!
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What did one snowman say to the other?
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Do you smell carrots?
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Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?
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He wanted to get a long little doggy!
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What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?
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BYE-SON!
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
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A PORK CHOP
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Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
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BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
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A gummy bear.
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
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IT WAS IN TENTS
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Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
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Because he was a little shellfish.
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Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?
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It's making HEADLINES!
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What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
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A FRISBEE!
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What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?
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Thanks for the mammaries!
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Why are all the frogs around here dead?
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'Cause they keep croaking!
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Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
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THE OUTSIDE!
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Why was the sand wet?
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Because the sea weed!
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what do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
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A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!
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What did the Island Gobbling Sea Monster say?
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These islands aren’t Philippine me up. I need Samoa Tahiti!
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How does a lion like his meat?
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ROAR
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How does an octopus go to war?
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WELL-ARMED
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What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs?
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They have to sit in their own pew.
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What's brown and sticky?
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A stick.
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Did you hear about the Hyena who drank a pint of gravy?
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He was a laughing stock!
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How does Hitler tie his shoes?
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with little Nazis!
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?
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THUNDERPANTS
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Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
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THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!
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What's the best way to carve wood?
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Whittle by whittle.
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Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?
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Because she ran away from the ball!
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Why is there no gambling in Africa?
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Too many Cheetahs!
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What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?
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I can clearly see you're nuts!
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Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?
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He wanted some arr and arr.
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What did the ghost say to the bee?
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BOO-BEE
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?
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Claude
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What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?
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You look a little pail!
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A baby seal walks into a club...
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What game would you play with a wombat?
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Wom.
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Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"
"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.
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What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
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Wipes his butt.
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What did the traffic light say to the car?
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Don't look, I'm changing.
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How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
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He felt his presents!
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Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
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Because it's a little meteor.
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