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What's the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle.
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How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
ECLIPSE IT!
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Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer, and one for the road."
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A cannibal went for a walk and he passed his brother.
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What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains!
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?
THUNDERPANTS
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A man didn't like his haircut, but it started to grow on him.
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What do you call a pig that does karate?
A PORK CHOP
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs who gets into a fight with his cat?
Claude
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What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
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What was T-Rex's favorite number?
Ate!
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What does a ghost wear when it's raining outside?
Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooots!
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What type of music do mummies listen to?
WRAP MUSIC!
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Two atoms are walking down the street together. The first atom turns and says, "Hey, you just stole an electron from me!"
"Are you sure?" asks the second atom.
To which the first atom replies, "Yeah, I'm positive!"
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What is the definition of a good farmer?
A MAN OUTSTANDING IN HIS FIELD!
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What do you get when you cross a tyrannosaurus rex with fireworks?
DINO-MITE!
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What did the ghost say to the bee?
BOO-BEE
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What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his butt.
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What is a shark's favorite illegal substance?
Reefer!
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Have you heard the one about the Corduroy pillow?
It's making HEADLINES!
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Why did the cowboy adopt a weiner dog?
He wanted to get a long little doggy!
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Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?
He wanted some arr and arr.
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Why did the rapper carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
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What did the monkey say when he caught his tail in the revolving door?
It won't be long now
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What did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
Dam.
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Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
THE OUTSIDE!
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What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
PUMPKIN PI
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What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids
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There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says
‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’
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What do you get when you cross a sheep and a bee?
A bah-humbug.
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What is Bruce Lee's favorite drink?
WATAAAAARR!
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What kind of horses go out after dusk?
Nightmares!
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What kind of guns do bees use?
BeeBee guns
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Why did the police officer smell?
Because he was on duty.
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A drum and a cymbal fall off a cliff...
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
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What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
HE GOT A LITTLE BEHIND IN HIS WORK
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Why are all the frogs around here dead?
'Cause they keep croaking!
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What did one shark say to the other while eating a clownfish?
This tastes funny.
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Why is the ocean blue?
Because all the little fish go blu, blu blu.
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Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?
He had no body to go with him!
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What did the grape say after the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine!
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Why wouldn't the shrimp share his treasure?
Because he was a little shellfish.
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What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?
HIP-POP!
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What did the worker at the rubber band factory say when he lost his job?
OH SNAP
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What do sharks say when something radical happens?
JAWESOME
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What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don't look, I'm changing.
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What washes up on tiny beaches?
MICROWAVES!
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What do you call a fish with no eye?
Fssshh
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob
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what do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?
A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!
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What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies!
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What happens to Pastors who eat chili dogs?
They have to sit in their own pew.
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what do you do with epileptic lettuce?
You make a seizure salad!
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What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
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What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits a windshield?
Its butt
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Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
Both crews were marooned.
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What did the cobbler say when a cat wandered into his shop?
Shoe!
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What do you call it when you feed a stick of dynamite to a steer?
Abominable! (say it out loud, slowly)
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Why did the man dump ground beef on his head?
He wanted a meatier shower!
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What do you do with a sick boat?
TAKE IT TO THE DOC!
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What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?
BANANANAAAAAA!
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What did the big bucket say to the little bucket?
You look a little pail!
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What did the elder chimney say to the younger chimney?
You're too young to smoke!
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What do you call it when a dinosaur crashes his car?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks
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Why don't blind people go skydiving?
Because it scares the bejesus out of the dogs!
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How does a lion like his meat?
ROAR
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Why did Simba's father die?
Because he couldn't Mufasa!
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Why do milking stools only have three legs?
'Cause the cow's got the udder!
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Why didn't the melons get married?
Because they cantaloupe!
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A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says, "for you? no charge."
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What is invisible and smells like carrots?
Rabbit farts
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What did the mother Buffalo say when her boy left for college?
BYE-SON!
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How do you fix a broken tuba?
With a tuba glue!
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What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day?
A FRISBEE!
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A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way.
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Did you hear about the Hyena who drank a pint of gravy?
He was a laughing stock!
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What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto
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Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
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What did the baby say to its mother after breastfeeding?
Thanks for the mammaries!
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Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because he felt crummy.
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Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?
BECAUSE IT'S POINTLESS!
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What do you do when you see a spaceman?
PARK YOUR CAR, MAN
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What's it called when you lend money to a bison?
A BUFFA-LOAN!
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A baby seal walks into a club...
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What do you call a deer with no eye?
NO IDEAR!
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Why couldn't Dracula's wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin.
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What did the policeman say to his tummy?
I've got you under a vest!
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Why was the sand wet?
Because the sea weed!
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What do you call a man with no arms and no legs playing in the leaves?
Russell.
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How does Hitler tie his shoes?
with little Nazis!
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What do you call a guy who never farts in public?
A PRIVATE TUTOR!
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Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many Cheetahs!
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Where does George Washington keep his armies?
In his sleevies
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What game would you play with a wombat?
Wom.
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How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
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How does an octopus go to war?
WELL-ARMED
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Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
IT WAS IN TENTS
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Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool?
THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!
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How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer!
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What do you call a nosy pepper?
JALAPENO BUSINESS!
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What did the Island Gobbling Sea Monster say?
These islands aren’t Philippine me up. I need Samoa Tahiti!
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What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office?
I can clearly see you're nuts!
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What did one snowman say to the other?
Do you smell carrots?
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What do you call a pony's cough?
A LITTLE HOARSE!
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What do calendars eat?
DATES!
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Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long!
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Who does a pharaoh talk to when he's sad?
His mummy.
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What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!
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what did one hat say to another?
You stay here, I'll go on a head!
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Why did Cinderella get kicked off the softball team?
Because she ran away from the ball!
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What kind of flower is on your face?
Tulips!
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All artwork and content on this site is Copyright © 2020 Matthew Inman. Please don't steal.
